Wretched Hero
by River12
Summary: She's a hero you see. A hero that has died twice to save the world.A hero that tried to kill her friends to reclaim her sanity. A broken hero. Buffy Summers deals with the aftermath of the night she tried to kill her friends. Then Spike finds her on the bathroom floor, on the wall written in blood are the words "I'm sorry". What caused Buffy to do this? What drove her?
1. Sorry

**Wretched Hero**

**BTVS Fanfiction**

**Author's note: Here it is, another BTVS Fanfiction! Now, this takes place after "Normal again" if you're a fan of Buffy but you've only seen up to season 5 or your only on season 1,2,3, or 4 and plan on watching more, don't read this! It may contain spoilers… readers beware; this may get a little interesting.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of the show! But if I did own it…. oh boy (****laughs devilishly****) JOSS IS BOSS!**

_The Magic Box was too loud. Everyone was arguing and screaming, and there was no slayer to shut them up. "Addicted to the misery isn't she?" Spike thought. "Drowning in her ocean of darkness after what happened when she went all loony on us."_

_Bollocks. The slayer was driving him mad. Even a month after the "incident" she's still shutting herself out from everyone. She shut out her friends, her watcher, and even her sister._

_She would only talk to them when she needed something, or when she had to. She spoke very little at Scooby meetings; she hardly spoke to her sister. She only did to remind the little bit to do her homework, or go to bed, or brush her teeth. How could Buffy be so obnoxious! So ignorant! _

_That was it. Spike had enough of this "act" from Buffy. He was going to set this bloody slayer straight, and if it meant biting or snogging her, so be it. He'd lose his sanity if he didn't._

_Spike headed towards the summers residence, shaking his head and mumbling. He couldn't believe he was doing this. Helping the slayer. The girl he tried to kill when she was in high school, the girl who hated him. He was a Vampire for goodness sake! And she was the Slayer! But, then, he had this odd feeling. That feeling you get when you find something attractive. That feeling you get when you get all warm and swell up when you see someone. Love. And he was going to help the slayer, because he was in love with her._

_When he reached the front door he noticed that the door was unlocked. Whoever came in here didn't decide to lock the door. "Never invite anyone in, especially if they're a vampire," Buffy would say. Mostly to Dawn. "Because a vampire can only come in if they're invited." Angel was invited, Spike was invited, even Harmony and her minions, but of course, that was by accident. Buffy would be smart enough not to invite a vampire in…_

_But the smell of her blood crashed down on him and he thought otherwise. There goes the stereotypical dumb blonde moment._

"_Wonder if the vampire was handsome" Spike thought. "Then she definitely would've invited him in…"_

_He raced up the stairs, following her scent and stood outside the bathroom door. The quietness in the bathroom made him uneasy, he heard no movement. He reached out towards the doorknob to open up the door. It wouldn't turn. He shook the doorknob but it was useless, he didn't have any super strength, unlike Buffy, so he couldn't break open the door. He decided to try something else. He stuck one foot behind him, the other in front and leaped at the door, slamming his body against it._

_It didn't budge._

"_Come on, Slayer! Open up!" Spike growled. He continued to slam his body against the door, which resulted to very little effect. Spike stopped and backed up. He was going to kick it open. Spike braced himself, and then he charged at the door and flung out his leg. The heel of his shoe slammed against the lock and broke it, and the door flew open._

_For a vampire that must've attacked someone, Spike suspected the bathroom to look trashed. Instead the bathroom looked rather clean. Except for the numerous amount of pills and drugs scattered across the floor, the empty bottles of alcohol, and the droplets of blood leading right up to the body…_

"_Buffy!"_

_Spike leaped forwards in front of Buffy. He kneeled on the ground and rested her head on his knee. He grabbed her wrist and felt for a pulse. He felt nothing._

"_Oh bloody hell, slayer"_

_Spike knew what he had to do. He had to do CPR, and then force her to throw up the alcohol and pills running through her system and then take her to a hospital. Or take her to a hospital after the CPR… he shook his head. He'll choose what to do with her and where to take her after she starts to breathe again. He opened her mouth and leaned in to breathe into it, but then stopped. He had no breath. He was a vampire. Vampires don't have breath._

"_Bloody hell!" he screamed. He jumped up and ran out of the bathroom looking for the phone. He was going to call the Magic Box, and whoever answered was going to come over and help. Unless it's Dawn, then he'll ask from someone else. He picked up the phone and dialed the number._

_Who knew how long Buffy had been like that? With the alcohol and the pills running through her system now, possibly shutting down her organs… he needed to help her. She didn't have to die a third time._

_Someone picked up the phone on the other line._

"_This is the Magic Box, how may I help you?"_

_Spike let out a sigh of relief_

"_Giles?"_

"_Spike?" Giles responded, rather surprised. "Um, why are-are you calling?"_

"_It's Buffy. There's been an… accident. Come here quickly"_

"_Buffy is she-?"_

"_She's about to die, Rupert. So move your bloody ass!" Spike slammed the phone into the receiver and ran back upstairs. Good, someone was coming. Someone that actually had breath…_

_He ran back to Buffy's body, and held her hand. She was cold. He let go of her hand and decided to clean the bathroom a little bit; the poor old watcher didn't need to see everything. Spike placed the bottles in a cupboard, and kicked the pills elsewhere, which didn't help but he didn't care. Well, he tried to clean it. At least he made some effort._

_Someone knocked on the door. The watcher was here. Spike ran down the stairs and swung open the door. The watcher looked terribly frightened when he saw the look on Spike's face._

"_Where's Buffy?" He asked. Waiting for a response from Spike. Instead he was being dragged up the stairs and inside the bathroom. Giles found the body on the floor and rushed to it. He dragged her out so Spike could see, rested Buffy's head on his knee and leaned in. He then placed his hands on her chests and began to pump them._

"_1…2…3…4…5"_

_He leaned in again and breathed in her mouth. And pumped them again._

"_6…7…8…9…10"_

_Spike watched him work away, trying to revive his slayer. He noticed the tears in the watchers eyes. As Giles was pumping away, something caught Spike's attention. There, on the wall, written in blood, were the words "I'm sorry"._

_1 month earlier_


	2. Discovery

**Wretched Hero**

**BTVS Fanfiction**

**Author's note: I hope you enjoyed that first little chapter. Hopefully it left you with your mouth hanging open, or something that would represent you was surprised or shocked. Cause I know I was! That made little and no sense… maybe I was just being bias. ANYWAYS! Enough about that… Thanks for the follows and the reviews. Stay tuned! And find out what happened to Buffy! I promise you, there will be some Spuffy… I mean, wasn't there some in the first chapter already? I'm just babbling now… so please, continue reading and enjoy!**

**Buffysummersbot:** Of course... you ended on a cliffhanger... :( I need more! Until you add another chapter I'm going to read this, "Once more with feeling!"

**Me: **Well BSB, May I call you that? It's short for Buffysummersbot… anyways…. cliffhangers keep the readers interested! Well thank you and- oh hahahaha! I see what you did there… now let me just "Walk through the fire" and do the second chapter! Okay I don't think that made any sense whatsoever

**Evilbuffyfan4eva:** Carry on, I have been waiting for a fic like this for so long! Loving it!

**Me:** Why thank you! You know, I just thought to myself "I'm gonna write something…. Based off of Normal again…and it will be a Spuffy thing…. And it will be intense…and dramatic…." And so this little story came along.

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of the show! But if I did own it…. oh boy (****laughs devilishly****) JOSS IS BOSS!**

Everyone has his or her secrets. Everyone can be a hero. But not everyone can be the slayer. Being the slayer was a secret Buffy had to keep from everyone when she was chosen. It was said, in the Slayer Handbook, that all Slayers must keep their identities a secret. Kendra had told her that, since Buffy never actually read the handbook. But, Buffy never listened to that. She felt she worked well with others. And so, in came the Slayerettes! (As Willow liked to call them) It started out just the four of them. Buffy, Willow, Xander and Giles.

After they defeated the Master, in came, Cordelia and Oz. And so, they became The Scooby Gang. Where they solved mysteries and stopped the big bads. Each year there were new villains they had to face. The Master, Angelus, The Mayor, Adam, Glory, and the Trio.

Some were terribly difficult to defeat but in the end the Scooby gang always won. Buffy Summers saved the world, A lot. She died, twice, to save the world. And then she came back. She began her new life having to claw her way out of her own coffin. Clawing through the dirt. Gasping for air. A traumatizing experience that she would never forget.

And she'd never been the same since then.

Everyday she'd tried to snap out of it, figure out why she's like that. Why she's such a mess. Why she came back. Why did she come back? Why did people care so much? Hadn't she done enough? She just created problems and chaos, with her slaying and everything, letting people get killed…

Faith almost killed someone.

She did kill someone.

And, Buffy tried to kill her friends to reclaim her sanity. The doctor told her to get rid of the things that kept her going back. She could've been with her mom, her dad. They would've been together

_Like they used to be_

But she chose to stay in Sunnydale. Her friends, her watcher, her sister… they were all there, in Sunnydale and she had to stay with them, she had to protect them. She had to save the world – _again_.

She hated her friends for pulling her out of heaven and placing her in hell. She hated having to the save the world. She hated the hellmouth. She hated being the slayer. She hated herself. She hated being back. She wanted to be dead. She had enough of this slayer business, of saving the world over and over again. But she couldn't escape the glares from her friends, her sister, she couldn't escape hell, she was trapped.

Would she have been freed from hell if she chose the other reality? The reality where her mom was alive? Where her parents were together? Where she was just a normal girl, and didn't have to deal with being the slayer?

She could've been normal… she could've killed her friends…

She almost did.

And she was sorry.

She felt extremely sorry, she felt terrible.

_Mom? Mommy?_

Buffy wanted someone to hold her, to tell her it'll be all right. She wanted to lie in her mother's arms and just lie there, for the rest of her life. She wanted to lie with her mother in her coffin. She wanted to die again…

Buffy Summers sat on the edge of her bed, staring at the wall. She'd been in that position for the past hour. She didn't feel like doing anything else… not after what happened. She still had the sound of Dawn's scream and plea for help while Buffy was trying to kill her, etched in the back of her mind, along with everyone else's screams.

Who knew she could be so dangerous? Who knew she would harm her friends? Surely, no one did. No one suspected Buffy to do something like that, something so terrifying.

As terrifying as that event was, whenever Buffy stepped foot in her house she sensed everyone's fear. When she touched someone she sensed their fear. She hated the looks she received. Sometimes she wondered, on the days were everyone was happy and no one feared her, if she were imagining it. If she was imagining the fact that everyone was being scared. But she wasn't. She remembered that day…

"I tried to kill them" she said, her voice sounding hoarse and cracked. Her throat was dry. She couldn't eat nor drink. Not after what happened.

She lost some weight in the past week.

Sighing she decided to head downstairs, knowing that her absence might alarm her friends. Slowly she opened her bedroom door and very slowly she walked through the hallway and stopped on the first step of the stairway. Her hand clutched onto the railing, shaking. She was panicking again. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

"It's going to be okay," she told herself. "It's going to be okay"

She repeated that over and over again until she felt calm enough to continue walking down the stairs. When she reached the bottom of the stairs, she wasn't expecting to find everyone there, staring at her.

Buffy pretended to let out a shaky laugh. To be honest, she didn't care if she was in trouble, she just didn't care. Emotions just didn't seem to show on Buffy, except for when she's having a breakdown in front of you, or when she's alone and screaming in pain and sorrow.

So, if she was in trouble, so be it.

"What, am I grounded or something?" she asked them.

Giles and Willow exchanged glances then held out a sheet of paper, with Buffy's handwriting on it. It was a letter. It was one of her drafts of a suicide note…

Buffy, feeling a sudden wave of nausea crash down on her shakily snatched the note out of Giles's hand. Anger suddenly boiled in her chest then fear slowly started to wrap itself around her.

"Where… where did you…you get this?" she asked them her voice shaking slightly with anger.

"We found them in your room" Willow responded.

"Without my permission?" She shouted, almost hysterical. " Oh, so does this mean I can just walk into your room and look for things? Take things without telling you?"

She laughed hysterically. "How dare you, all of you! How dare you think you could just walk into my room and go through my personal belongings? Hell, you even decided to look through my trash to find these!" She waved the paper at them.

" Are you worried I might go crazy and try and kill you? Trust me, I won't. I'm over that reality. But I guess none of you think that, I see how you all look at me, fear in your eyes, when I walk towards you! You probably hate me as much as we all hate Spike! Or do you prefer Spike because he didn't go all bat-shit crazy and try to kill all of you? Oh, well I guess all of you forgot something to…

He tried to kill me, he tried to kill all of us, remember? High school? Huh, I guess not… No one cares about Spike, it's all about Buffy. Buffy killed this demon, Buffy is depressed, Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Buffy tried to kill us so let's all be scared of her!"

She was shouting, all of her anger just came pouring out of her and she made no use in hiding it. All of her emotions just came piling and piling onto her, she screamed at her friends.

She ripped up the paper, her tears splattering onto her hands, and threw it on the ground. Everyone stared at her, watched as she screamed in rage, pain and sorrow, they watched as she kneeled onto the floor and cradled her head in her hands.

They continued to watch when Buffy went silent.

Dawn, very slowly, walked towards her sister. She rested a hand on Buffy's shoulder and kneeled down in front of her. Buffy's dirty blonde hair hung in front of her face, blocking her view.

"Buffy?" Dawn said.

She didn't get an answer. Dawn tried again,

"Buffy?"

No answer

Suddenly Buffy's hand shot up and grabbed Dawn's wrist, squeezing it tightly. Everyone stepped forward, getting ready to tackle Buffy if she hurt Dawn. A look of innocence flashed in Buffy's eyes. She wore a child-like expression. Her eyes full of unshed tears

"Dawnie? P-please don't l-leave me…"

Dawn stared at her sister, then brushed her sister's hair out of her face. Her eyes bored into Buffy's and she pulled her into a hug.

"Promise not to leave me, and I won't" she whispered.

The rest of the Scooby gang continued to stare at the two siblings. Deeply thinking about Buffy's speech.

Giles backed away from the group and walked into the hallway where he could be alone. He couldn't believe it, Buffy feeling this way. He surely wasn't expected to find at least 20 drafts of a suicide letter. He remembered reading the ones addressed to him over and over again, before deciding to show this to everyone else. He knew it was wrong, showing something that was Buffy's without her permission, but he needed to help her.

He suddenly froze when he heard the voice of someone that he knew oh so well.

He walked back to the room where the two siblings were sitting on the floor, holding each other, and where the Scooby gang was busy looking at the guest that barged into the house.

"May I ask, what the bloody hell is going on?" Spike said, clearly confused.


	3. Trusting the Vampire

**Wretched Hero**

**BTVS Fanfiction**

**Author's note: Well, Spike finally made an appearance! So what do you guys think? What do you think about Buffy so far? I hope you all like it! Please, continue reading, reviewing and following!**

**And I'm so sorry for the really long delay! It's just; I've been so busy with everything! I mean, there's homework, and auditions, and family stuff…. Life's hard, y'know? **

**Buffysummersbot: **Yay! Spike makes an appearance! (Again) :D

The part with Buffy's breakdown really got me. I think seeing Buffy like this in the show would've been interesting. Or an episode that kind of focused on Normal again, like, afterwards. This is really good. I was surprised about the suicide letter part

**Me: **I'm glad you liked it. Yes, I totally agree. And that's why I wrote this…

**Evilbuffyfan4eva: **Great chapter. I love the emotion you are putting into this. It's sparking so many thoughts into my head. Loving it! Can't wait for more.

**Me: **Why thank you! Glad you like it!

**ValerieStrong: **Sad :( Very good beginning.

It reads like you have experienced this or witness it yourself with a loved one.

Where it concerns CPR Buffy's head and neck would have be laid on the floor, straightened out, to help clear the passage way, so the air goes straight in and out. Not on someone's knees while CPR is being done. It could cause breathing problems for her, later on. Unless later in the story, they learn the CPR was done.

**Me: **No I haven't experienced anything like that… and whoops that's my bad….

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of the show! But if I did own it…. oh boy (****laughs devilishly****) JOSS IS BOSS!**

_He walked back to the room where the two siblings were sitting on the floor, holding each other, and where the Scooby gang was busy looking at the guest that barged into the house._

"_May I ask, what the bloody hell is going on?" Spike said, clearly confused._

Everyone stared with their mouths hanging open. All was silent, except for the cries of Buffy and Dawn's comforting.

Spike's eyes landed on the two sisters. Xander suddenly jumped to his feet and held out his hands in defense.

"What're you doing here, Spike? You here to hurt us, is that it? Knowing Buffy's all – crying and stuff, you think you could just barge in and-" he was cut off by a very strong hand wrapped around his throat. He stared, eyes widened, at Spike who was staring at him. Anger filled his eyes.

"Y'know" he began, than laughed. "I could suck you dry, Harris. So dry that if I touched you, you'd crack . . . but you know why I don't?"

Xander shook his head violently, the anger in him drifting away and being replaced by fear.

" Because it's wrong. And since it's wrong, I won't. So, if you think about what I just said, real hard, you'd piece together something a little like, ' Spike's here to help. Not bloody kill people'. You understand what I'm saying, Harris?" Spike said, and leaned in closer, he was nose to nose with Xander now.

Xander, who was shaking, nodded. Spike nodded and let go of Xander's throat. He nodded slightly to himself, remembering what Buffy said to him two years ago.

" _Because it's wrong"_

He sounded just like her when he was talking to Xander. Except, minus the sexual part. He turned to face the rest of the Scooby gang.

" I'm pretty sure, Harris, and the rest of you, lot, has gotten my message, yeah? I'm not here to kill. I'm here to help, and remember, chip in the head!" He pointed to the back of his head.

" Now" he continued when no one was answering him. " What the bloody hell is going on? " he asked the question again. Finally, someone gathered up the courage to answer him. (He still didn't understand what else he had to do to gain their trust. He has a freaking chip in his head, so he can't hurt anyone. He helps the little bit and he joined the Scooby gang . . . what else does he have to do a bloody dance? Gallop and skip and sing around the house sucking on a lollipop? What bloody thing did he have to do to gain their trust and prove to them that he just wants to help! That he's done being William the Bloody!)

He waited for their response, but instead, someone shoved a piece of paper in his hands. He flattened out the crumpled paper and held it out in front of him. It was addressed to him, _well that's new_ he thought. Then he realized it was a letter from Buffy. He recognized her handwriting. His eyes quickly scanned the letter he was too surprised to say anything.

His eyes shifted back and forth between Buffy and the letter.

He didn't want to cry in front of the gang, so, instead, he decided to be angry. No wonder she felt suicidal! No wonder she thought this was hell! With all the violence, the rage, the noise… Heaven must've been peaceful… no wonder she wanted to go back… but, why, why would she want to leave? Her sister? He friends? The little bit needed her…

He sharply turned to Buffy and threw the piece of paper at her, he heard everyone gasp. Spike didn't know what else to do, he already had his moment of yelling at the gang and he didn't want them to see him cry, so he did a stupid thing but knew it was too late to stop. So he decided to stay angry.

He saw Buffy flinch and look up. Her body was shaking; her eyes filling with unshed tears. She was so weak now. 2 years ago he would've laughed his bloody ass off and beat her to death, but, now, looking at her, he couldn't find the humor within the whole idea of her being weak. Not after what she'd been through.

Buffy stared at him, horror in her eyes. Dawn jumped up and pointed a finger at Spike.

"Spike!" she shouted. She started to rush forward, getting ready to pounce on him, but was immediately pulled back by Buffy, who was slowly getting up. Her letter to him was clutched in her hand. She whispered something to Dawn then turned back to face Spike.

Dawn backed away against the wall. Spike grinned at Buffy. " So, Slayer. Is this your grand plan then? To stop the Trio, by killing yourself? Do you have any idea what damage it would do? To the world, your friends, your sister?" He screamed at her. Suddenly all this anger felt rather comforting, and he continued. Maybe he could prove himself good if he convinced Buffy not to end her life. Amazing, really, what one letter could do.

Buffy just stood there. She didn't say a word.

He suddenly calmed down. He put on a warm smile and walked closer to Buffy. "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. You said it, yeah? So don't make it harder by deciding to end it all. Trust me, I've been living in this world longer than you, but I've managed to survive. How? 'Cause I had something worth living for, something I had to protect. And you, Buffy, you have something worth living for"

He walked closer to her and placed his hands on her waist.

" You have a destiny you need to fulfill. You've got a mouth of hell that you need to seal shut, you've got 3 pathetic nerds to defeat, and friends and family that will help you whenever they can. You've got a life worth living, Buffy." He stroked her tears away and smiled when he was her smile slightly.

The rest of the Scooby gang just stood there. Shocked. Dawn walked away from the wall and up to Spike. "Thanks" she whispered to him.

"No problem, now, take your sis upstairs"

Dawn nodded then took Buffy's hand and led her upstairs. Spike waiting and then he turned to face everyone.

Anya suddenly began applauding him, the rest of the Scoobies joined in. He could sense Xander's sarcasm in his claps, which were slow and, well, sarcastic. Giles walked up to Spike and awkwardly placed a hand on Spike's shoulder.

"I can't believe I'm saying this to you, but, thanks."

Spike nodded. " Well, Watcher, you do know that that wasn't the last time she'll ever do this. Sure, my somewhat heartwarming speech to Buffy was, well, interesting, doesn't mean it won't stop her. A person doesn't wake up someday and stops feeling suicidal. You've got to give her time." He turned to face everyone else.

"All of you just give her time."


End file.
